grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Randomize
