The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
