So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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