i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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