the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
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