Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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