i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Randomize
