Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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