his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
