you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
