If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
