I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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