This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Randomize
