Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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