Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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