What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
