i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
