I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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