i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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