i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
