Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
