I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
