My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
