I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize