just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
