I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
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