I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
