I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
