which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
