I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
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