now i know why i became what i already was.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
