so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
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