I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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