last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
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