I wish I could punch you in the face.
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Randomize
