the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
