Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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