You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize