I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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