If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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