Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
