I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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