we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I AM VODKA MAN
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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