that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize