I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Randomize