I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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