you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Randomize
