what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
