hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Randomize
