I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
