I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
