i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
