When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
